Thursday, June 20, 2013

What's with all the marrying?

Seriously. What's with everyone? Either getting married or having kids.. I'm tired of it, I tell u.. 
Ya, ya I know there are some people out there who are gonna be saying- "Don't talk as if you never will get married. That particular abyss awaits everyone!" So, at the outset let me tell you that it is not marriage or having children that I am against. It is the whole set of stupid things that people do along with it.. And anyway, I tried my best to avoid writing about this for quite sometime, partly because many other people have written very good posts on this topic and I thought I won't have much to add. But I guess the frustration got ahead of me today.

So here is my list of 5 things I hate to see people do after their wedding/baby-having- in the order of least annoying to most annoying. 

  1. Talking about their kids all day long:
    A typical conversation goes- "My kid does (insert some disgusting thing) with food" "Oh so sweet! My kid did (insert an even more disgusting thing) when he was about that age."  "But you know he is very smart- he can tell when I am watching" .......
    You know what this talk reminds me of-

  1. Saying stupid things that are supposed to sound sweet:
    This is not as common as the previous one, but is still bad. Just last week someone put a status- "So sweet to be stuck in Bangalore traffic while carpooling with my hubby". I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. The best I can say is "You are probably not the one driving!"
    Even better is what new-age parents put up- "First time changing my son's diaper. It's a soul-stirring experience". Soul-stirring? Seriously? I am just speechless!
  2. Hitting on each other on fb: This one is mostly for newly engaged men who are having arranged marriages and hence are trying to create an "I-am-a-very-sweet-cool-fun-guy" impression on the girl by going "Happy Valentine's Day to the cutest, smartest, prettiest woman in the world." First off, just because Bombay Jayashree sings 'Win me over with lies' this anda-pulugu-aagaasa-pulugu level is too much. (or in Rajni style- too too much!).Second, if you are already engaged, this flirting is not gonna change much. See I am not saying don't flirt. But flirting on fb makes it look like you can't flirt but just want everyone to know you can. It is the most pretentious thing I ever saw. 
    I remember a couple I knew who were like the most boring people on Earth, and they converted each other's timelines into countdown timers ("Honeeeyyy.. 2 more days to go!"  "5 mins left" and so on.) In the end I had to block their feeds before they went into the microseconds range.
    So here I bring a new edition of the the third George Carlin commandment- "Thou shalt keep thy flirting to thyself!".
    Or in thalaivar style - "Adhigama sight adikara payyanum, adhigama 'Awww' solra ponnum nalla vaazhndhadha saritharame kedayadhu. Mind it!"
  3. Changing photos: This one comes in so many different forms I could dedicate a separate post to this alone. Anyway...
  • Changing cover photos on fb to 2 clasped hands or wedding rings or mehndi-applied palms. I admit I loved the first mehndi cover pic I saw. It looked pretty and made a good cover pic. But when 17 people on my profile changed all their cover pics to mehndi-applied palms, (I am not kidding- I actually counted 17 last summer!) it's not that cool anymore. Now I can draw mehndi designs from memory. And I'm not even that great an artist.
  • Changing profile pics to couple pics- This one is tops.  Once in a while having a couple pic on your profile is all fine. But what's with I-got-married-so-I-shall-never-have-any-more-individual-pics? Are you so lame that all your life is about just one individual? Get a life, seriously!
  • Writing "You are the cutest couple ever" on the couple pics above- I agree that sometimes couple pics look good. But I better let this cat out of the bag right now. 99% of couples in the world are not cute, even alone. Worse, together. This is the obvious corollary of the fact that 99% of the people in the world don't look particularly good.
    So, I don't know what makes such good liars of everyone once they get on fb. In real life, most people would just remain silent when shown the same photo, but on fb they are like "Sooooo pretttyyyy".
    See, I am not someone who goes by appearances usually- but when someone writes "Soooooo cuuuutttteeeee" for the pic of a couple that look like the TR and KB Sundarambal, I really want to burn all of fb. (The bride looked like TR btw. No, not exaggerating. In fact, on second thoughts KB Sundarambal looks ok.)
  • Changing their profile pic to that of their baby's: See, I understand you are very happy with having a baby and all that. I am sure it is an important phase in your life etc. But did u suddenly convert into your baby? Or did you mean that once you had a baby, you don't exist anymore?
    Also, what's with calling every new born baby the most beautiful in the world? "Sooooo cute, he looks just like u". Tell you what, all new born babies look the same. Very few of them have discernible features. Even with Aishwarya Rai's genes they look like this-

    Need I say more? 
  1. Asking other people to get married- Changing photos would have been the most annoying thing married people did, if only they didn't do this.
    I used to think only old aunties go around asking "When are you getting married?". But I realized that even people who got married like yesterday start asking- "Why are you not getting married? You shouldnot postpone these things you know.." See, life is a lot more than just marriage. There is so much more in this world- to do, to think. Anyway, when someone asks me this question- I usually wanna say "How could you go to the dark side in less than 24 hours!" but I don't. Instead I just say this-

P.S: Thanks to Ezhil because it was a conversation with him that made me come up with the two punch lines here :)

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